I don’t expect anyone to read this. I’ve decided I need a place to work through my perimenopausal brain, and this seemed like a good one. But if you’d like to know what’s been going on around here – this is probably the place to figure it out. Most of my job as a homemaker is to keep the chaos in somewhat order. That, in and of itself, is a full time job.

I’ve been wanting so desperately to move to a farm for so long. But lately, I started to realize the pressure I’ve been putting on my husband, Jeff. I also realized how incredibly ungrateful I’ve been for all that God has blessed us with. We have a home that actually works and has enough rooms for the 5 of our 7 kids that still live here with us. We have almost half an acre of land for the kids, dogs, garden, and us to enjoy. I’ve been incredibly ungrateful and that stopped a few days ago. I deleted Zillow off my phone, cleared out my “dream home” Pinterest board, and told Jeff I am happy where we are and want to stay here. And I’m not just faking it. God has been showing me that my body can’t handle a full fledge farm – I’m losing weight to have both knees replaced and a spinal fusion of my L5/S1. I don’t know why this stuff happened to me, but I know God can use me even through it. Through my weakness, His strength shines. I needed a wake up call and finally came to my senses.

So what does that mean for us? It means next Spring I don’t plant my garden in pots. Jeff is going to build me a raised garden in the backyard. I still want to grow as many fruit, veggies, and flowers as we can, but now I can do it in a stable environment instead of one where I’m ready to leave at any moment.

We’re going to properly fence in the yard and make repairs to our home to make it the home we love and not the “in-between” we’ve been living in. It means decluttering as much as I can because things have gotten way too cluttered around here. It means putting up some walls in the house, finalizing the half bath downstairs, and making this house into the home it can be.

And I’m honestly excited about it. I’m scared out of my wits about the money it will take, but God is working on the fears I wrestle daily. I’m learning to trust Him as I walk in obedience. So for today, when the bank account is empty, I will do the work that is free except for some elbow grease. Today I clean and rearrange what I can. Today I can pick out paint colors so when we do have debt paid down some and are ready to start repairs, I’m prepared with a plan. Today I homeschool our kids and pray God will give me grace and wisdom to do whatever He has for me today. After all, that’s what faith is. One foot in front of the other, day after day, hour after hour, trusting God to give me the next step. (and I might fit in some crochet)

–Stacy